How to Be a Failure 101

Are you looking for a job in your dream industry? Spending days and nights submitting application after application? Feeling numb and non-existent? If so, this post is for you! Take our crash course in Failure 101 and you'll gain exclusive intel into how to not bother and become totally meh. With the help of Failure 101 you're well on your way to not giving a shit!

Failure 101 is subject to mood and full detrimental effects may not be activated if used in conjunction with happy music, the colour yellow or other joyful substances. Strictly for the unhappy and unemployed. We cannot guarantee that our programme will work on those still at the start of their job search who have yet to be broken by the system. Terms and Conditions apply.

1. Make your CV unique.

This is a terrible idea. Everyone you show it to will have a different opinion on how it's good or bad and will all give you conflicting advice as to how you can improve it. Despite it clearly working as they picked out your CV and replied to you, they will urge you to make it more "standardised" so it looks like everybody else's. Save yourself hours and hours of editing and do it portrait, on Word, Arial size 12 font and be done with it. Don't forget to coat it in that all-important skull-numbing monotonous tone.

2. Sign up to/explore online databases to ensure your pleas for a job aren't being tossed into the mountainous pile sent to "recruitment@..." emails, then contact everyone you can.

After sending a grand total of 156 emails across 22 publications and receiving around five replies a day, I can safely ascertain that getting responses is totally not what you want. There's nothing quite like a constant stream of messages saying you're not qualified enough, good enough, smart enough, hot enough to raise your self esteem and motivate you on your job search. It's definitely advisable to save yourself the aggro and have a duvet day. If you can't quote every Friends episode you tune into on Comedy Central yet you're going about this job search all wrong.

3. Ask those you're interning with if they would consider hiring you.

Another great self-esteem booster. We're told "If you don't ask you'll never know," but this particular painful truth is already quite apparent so don't drive the knife in further by asking them to spit it out. THEY'VE TAKEN YOU ON FOR FREE FOR A REASON DUMBARSE.

4. Hold firm with prospective employers and argue that you've gained enough experience through interning to warrant a paid role.

Oh don't be silly! You're not good enough for this paid role as you don't have enough experience, and you'll never have enough experience because you won't get a job to gain enough experience because you don't have enough experience. Do you see?

5. Tailor your cover letters to each employer and make sure you mention why you specifically want to work for them.

Bahahaha. It's cute that you think someone out there is actually reading your drivel. Opt instead for a "FUCKING HIRE ME NOW OR I WILL COME TO YOUR HEAD OFFICE AND POOP IN YOUR PIGEON HOLE!" approach, and hit send to all (no Bcc).

6. If you've taken on an internship while you're looking for a permanent position, be sure to make a good impression. Always ask if anyone wants anything when you're popping out to buy lunch, and try to be proactive rather than reactive; ask people if they need you to do anything before they come to you with it.

This is a great way to go about becoming very skint very fast and earning the label "office bitch." When buying lunch for everyone, people tend to conveniently "get lost" with who owes who what, and it's normally the darling intern that comes up short. Ferrying tea and coffee all day will also only increase the chance of burns and will earn you nothing but criticism (you're clearly not competent enough to have a paid role but they'll still expect you to remember that Sarah wanted a double-iced venti caramel macchiato and a blueberry muffin instead of a chocolate chip one).

7. Stay in touch with people. Building a list of contacts is often the best way in so try to drop them an email every now and again to keep the relationship going.

Busy people especially love this. They love to be pestered by desperate struggling moaners begging for a job. It really is the highlight of their day. If they don't tell you to fuck off straight away or just totally ignore you, you must have some seriously good dirt on them... what is it?

8. Make sure you're keeping yourself occupied whilst searching for a job. If you have a gap in your CV, many employers will want to know what you have been doing so make sure you have a valid reason for this.

Now this is a tricky one. Back-to-back box sets are definitely classed as keeping oneself occupied, however with all these exhausting and mind-numbing applications you don't want to wear yourself out too much. Any paid jobs to earn a bit of money on the side are out of the question, and absolutely no updating LinkedIn profiles, tending to social media or carefully piecing together blog posts to demonstrate your "excellent writing skills and interest in editorial." These activities are far too exertive.

9. Go along to blogging events, trade shows, textile forums, talks, day courses or any form of gathering where you will be able to not only network and meet new people but also to keep yourself informed and updated. This also helps to demonstrate an interest and true passion for the industry to future employers.

Oh yay; another money pit! These events are often costly, crowded and make you feel crap if you go on your own and have to face the wall of elevator eyes solo. It's a well-known fact that girls travel in packs so any attempt to network is likely to prove embarrassing and unsuccessful.

10. Set yourself targets and stick to them to help keep yourself motivated.

The great thing about not even trying in the first place is that you don't set yourself up for a fall. There is a very good reason no one's getting back to you, and you know what it is. You suck. Stop applying and you'll find you no longer feel you're somewhat shit and inept. Cancel all your automated job search emails, sign out of Reed for the last time and clamber back into bed. Boom.

Your training is complete. Congratulations, you are a failure!

I'd like to point out in case of any confusion that the numbered pointers are all actually excellent ideas for how not to be a failure. This post is, in essence, a turd of a grumble about how shit I'm currently feeling and a sarky observation of the serious lack of jobs out there. These pointers are a great way of making sure you're really putting yourself out there and have exhausted every possible avenue when searching for a job. Good fucking luck my fellow battered and jobless office bitches.

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